Lessons from a deathbed

My aunt passed away on the first of May.  She was 81.

We found out that she had a terminal illness.  She knew that she had it but never bothered to tell us. Nor was she interested in getting treatment. She didn’t want any biopsies done. Doctors couldn’t perform CT scan because of her extremely elevated creatinine level.  We knew her days were numbered so we took every opportunity to visit her or stay with her at the hospital.  To talk to her. Share the Word of God to her. To us, that was most important.

She was admitted at the hospital on April 14, her first hospital confinement. It would also be her last. The day she was placed on a ventilator/respirator she wanted it removed right away. Even after telling her that she wouldn’t be able to breath if we remove the tube. At one point, she signaled with her hands, quite forcefully, that she wanted to just die.  That she wanted the respirator removed so she can die.   I could recall her furrowed brows and the constant shifting of her body in her bed — her way of insisting that we remove her respirator.  And her apparent frustration when she realized that we had no plans of giving into her requests — which very rarely happened before.  My aunt was one VERY tough cookie.  She gave orders, not the other way around.  She was, after all, the eldest of seven children, who made a lot of sacrifices to take care of her younger siblings, including my father.

I had to admit for a moment though, I agreed with her — to remove the respirator because it was just a means to prolong her dying. But my elder siblings and cousins would have none of that. On her fourth day on the respirator, in the early afternoon of May 1, she passed away. My aunt lived a long, good life.  Even after retiring 20 years ago, she was always cared for by her siblings and lately, by her nieces and nephews.  She was there when I got married. She was there during my youngest sister’s college graduation. We picked her up regularly at her sister’s place in Binangonan during her birthdays and during the holidays. We even gave her a fab 80th birthday celebration. Pampering her was like pampering my own parents who passed away years ago.

But when she died — I felt a different kind of sadness. I grieved not just because she has left this world but — with the choices she made just days before she passed away.  I was with her during her last few days.  I was one of those she spoke to last, until she had to be supported by a mechanical respirator. She gave me her last instructions — instructions that I didn’t quite agree with. In the end, her last words to me were, well .. not doable.

Seeing someone ready to face death but refusing to relinquish control, or fully trust – it was a heartbreaking thing to witness. I realized  that you learn most about a person when you see how he/she responds during these critical moments. You learn about him/her based on how friends and family respond to her impending passing. My family realized that my aunt kept a lot of things in her heart. five days after she died, we still wonder how much we truly knew about our aunt.

Losing someone in the family is always painful. My aunt is the fourth person in my family who passed on in a span of what — 9 years. I am not sure if trauma is the right word for it but you can say that the last 9 years have given us wounds in our hearts that we could never really recover from. While we know that death is inevitable, in my family’s case, death seem to be just well…around our corner.

Nothing can prepare you for the loss of a loved one. Nothing. But what it did for me this time was remind me again, quite glaringly, that life is fleeting. It reminded me that the value of the tangible things I cherish in this world are just — earthbound. If you believe in eternity and in the afterlife like me, you remember what matters. You remember love and loving . You remember relationships. You remember to create many moments of togetherness and intimacy. You choose forgiveness. You let go of worries. You choose joy. You choose to trust.

My siblings and I learned a lot during my aunt’s last few days.  We saw how differently we respond and decide on certain instances. We realized that we needed to know what each one of us thinks about sickness and dying. Best of all, we all realized how important it is to always get together. To celebrate events and milestones, no matter how simple. And create memories.

A comic hero talk

I have no idea why,  after months of absence, I am choosing to post this.  No earth-shattering news, no profound insights to share here.  But well….

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Midway into the Spiderman reboot movie, starring Andrew Garfield and my new favorite girl, Emma Stone,  I lean towards Mr.C and asked, “So is his character consistent with the Spiderman character?”.  He gave me a very helpful nod and continued ignoring me as we watch Peter Parker enjoying his newfound abilities.

“So which one is better? Who was the better Spidey/Peter? I think Andrew is much much cuter than Tobey, though.”Was Spiderman really like that? Kindy goofy guy.  Nerdy too. …Oh so he studies at a Science School?  How come I didn’t know that?… oh yeah, he became a reporter nga pala..I remember Jonah Jameson… So where did Gwen enter into the picture? I only know Mary Jane.. Weird that they made another version of this movie franchise.  I guess it is about the money eh? What do you think?”

Finally– —

“Isn’t Spiderman a Marvel character? How come he isn’t part of the Avengers?”

On and on I ask.  I must say that Mr. C knows his Marvel comic heroes.  He is a fan and a collector of Marvel comics.  That just seals his geekyness.  My own version of Dr. Sheldon Cooper.  😀

In my defense, I only asked him a few questions while watching the movie.   Again in my defense, I watched the Tobey Mcguire version.. Well, uh the first installment at least  I don’t know, bottom-line, I am not a Spiderman fan but I am familiar with him. I like him but not really that interested.  I try to figure out why..

Meanwhile, he tells me that — yes the character is kinda playful. So the movie is consistent.  Marvel comics sometimes sort of reboots its story/plot  too.  So he is kinda cool with a new version.  He was just happy to watch Spiderman again.  Gwen is another love interest in the comic reboot. Spiderman is the famous character  (vs the rest of the Marvel heroes) and maybe even the first ( or one of the first that Stan Lee created). There was even a Spiderman and the Avengers story/plot in the comic book version so who knows, there might be a movie version of that.  But maybe not.  Stan Lee, the creator always has a cameo in the movie.  (yes he made sure I catch that scene where Stan Lee is shown).  etc etc.

Then.. —  cue the lighbulb!!!

I grew up watching DC cartoons on tv!!  Superfriends.  Justice League.  I am a superman fan. For a while i even watched Lois and Clark on tv but grew tired of it.   i remember watching Christopher Reeve and Margot Kidder soar together while Maureen McGovern’s song played— Can you read my mind? Never mind that I never fully understood the story then. I liked the music.  The musical scoring of Superman was unforgettable.

My brothers even bought an LP  (long playing) album of the Superman soundtrack which made me more interested to watch the movie.  Next to the Star Wars trilogy (Ep4-6), the superman trilogy is part of my brothers’ movie collections.  Third on the list would have to be Back to the Future movies.  All of them we really loved and watch to this day when i get together with my siblings.

Ok so i am digressing here and giving away too much information on what decade i started to exist. 😀

And I guess to me, Superman was THE ultimate hero.  He is an alien.  His powers were innate.  His powers were not derived from some radioactive freak accident.  I found his backstory fascinating.  I told Mr C that and he says,

Well, the Marvel heroes are making movies, he tells me. They are more popular and they make money.

To which i vehemently said:  Hey the Dark Knight is DC! He is making money!

What i didn’t say was that I watched a Superman movie a few years back where Brandon Routh played the character and Kate Bosworth was Lois Lane… and well, i didn’t like it that much to be honest.  But I didn’t tell my husband that!  Though now I hear that Man of Steel is in the works.  Yey!

So there, I first met Spidey, Batman, Robin, Superman, Wonder woman, etc in cartoons.  While kids of today get to meet them on the big screen and in 3D!!

A Visit

Me: Hello?

Uh hey there….! Look who dropped by?

Me: Hi yes, ME! Umm.. Any news?

News? You tell me.

Me: (awkward laugh..) yeaahh.. I know, right?

So, will you be here long?

Me: Hope so.

At least drop by once a week or once a month..

Me: You know you’re right. Tell you what. I will give that a try.

Rrrrrrright..How convincing..  Anyway, you’re the boss.

(crickets…. crickets..)

Me: (chuckle) Yep. No really.. I will.

(crickets…crickets..)

Me: So… bye for now.

Yes whatever. Hope to hear from you real soon.

If this blog were alive and talking, we would have had that awkward conversation.

Of labels and survival

I think people who don’t appreciate a wide genre of music do not have soul in them, lack spontaneity and are totally BORING.

Before I get into trouble, let me clarify. I don’t think that people who have no or little appreciation of music from different genres lack spontaneity nor do I find them boring. I think being with a group of people who share exactly my interests can bore me. We were created to be different from one another – we are in essence, all weird. We were made to have our own interests. I only made that sentence because I remember someone saying “I think those who do not read books are shallow.”

I read books but I am not a voracious reader. I don’t think I am shallow though. What if for a rejoinder, someone says this – “Surely not all bookworms have depth. They could all be the highly dogmatic geeks who know stuff up there, who can recite lines lifted from a book, ergo not their own and ergo is not real to them. “

Harsh? Obnoxious? Presumptuous? Egotistical?

Aren’t we all guilty of this? Consciously or subconsciously, we categorize people based on a few key descriptors culled from our finite observations. We place them in neatly labeled boxes in our heads, labels that are products of our own biases, biases that were borne out of our own personal history, our childhood, our education, our family and our own insecurities.

Even we place labels on ourselves. It is a way for people to understand us without having to know us. We say we are this sort of person or that because, hey — who knows us better than ourselves right? We fear exposing ourselves because no one might like what they see or we might not live up to expectations.
We do this because it is the safer thing to do. It brings order and logic to an otherwise chaotic environment. We are all too diverse that we need to find some pattern somewhere to make sense of how varied we are. We tend to find the bell curve and conclude that it must be right one. We make our own sweeping statements about people we interact with – we do this to an acquaintance and boy! – don’t we also do this to our own friends? Perhaps this is survival instinct, otherwise we might end up confused.

During Sunday worship, our Pastor mentioned a book by John Ortberg which sounds interesting. The title goes something like, People are Normal Until You Know them (or something like that). I have to get a copy of that!

We are all weird. OK— if you don’t like the word weird, let us use — unique. As we grow older, we will continue to meet people who, in our minds’ eye, are ‘kakaiba’ or “ibang level’. As we grow older, we ought to realize too that we have a blind side — meaning that there is a side to us that can be seen by someone outside yourself. On certain occasions, we need this to let us know that the labels we put on ourselves are way off, slighly off or just — wrong.

The sooner we accept that, the more we will be gracious to people who are different from us or react differently to us.

Minus the convenient and sweeping conclusions.

Here we go

Has it really just been a few days since we came from our Palawan vacay?!! Can’t believe this is just week one of January 2011.
This week is like a spillover of the Holiday season so we had a few more people to meet and a few more gifts to give. My week is FULL — reports to submit, deadline, meetings and preparations for an additional role.. (yes additional…). Starting Monday, our social calendar will be more manageable (yes, empty) . except for the ocassional “kitakits”.

As what my sisters and I used to say… “ay, tapos na new year..luma na ulit ang taon..” 🙂

The holiday season is over.

My morning shout out

7:30 on Thanksgiving morning here at Livermore, CA. Staying over with good friends from the university who unselfishly adjusted their schedules to accomodate us. The last three days have been busy but fun. We were told that the temperature is slightly more chilly than expected but we were ..err.. cool with it. (pun wasnt really intended but, anyways). Later this afternoon, we go to Vallejo to spend dinner with my cousin Ate Mimi and her family. But not after the four of us plus their little angel daugher, Ayi — go for some more sightseeing.

I never expected that Mr. C and I will be able to go back to the US this soon — and on Thanksgiving week again.. But Praise God for special treats like this one. Truly, there is a lot to be grateful for…

Conversations with myself

Conversations with myself… I think this is an apt title, an offshoot of my previous blog entry. I have quite a few conversations with myself late at night. I say, conversations because they are not abstract thoughts in my head. I say them aloud, hoping for a polite acknowledgment from the man beside me who struggles between sleep and wakefulness to keep me ‘company’.

On the other hand, we do have a lot of conversations with ourselves dont we? This is particularly true for those who lean towards introversion. We desire for that special place where we can just .. say things. This blog has been a means to document all of my thoughts, my conversations with myself. This serves as my journal as well. It helps me remember the wonderful and not so wonderful events in my life. It is a means to gather my thoughts and organize them into one decent entry.

Perhaps that is why Facebook doesn’t appeal much to me. It is great for reconnecting with long-lost friends, true. In that area, I love Facebook. It is a great way to connect with friends and family who are on different parts of the globe. It is fun.

But, I dont know. I dont get why you need to be friends with your entire high school batch or that person you sat beside with during BA127 or to that person who barely paid attention to you in college or those people who didn’t really genuinely care for you. Do people invite you in FB because they want to really reconnect or do they want to flaunt all their travels to show off to all their FB friends half of which they barely know and care about? Who am I kidding? Don’t we all have that need? That desire to show off the nice things and events in our lives? And conveniently skip the ugly truths? In some cases, you find your self in the middle of a cross fire. Parties arguing, saying mean words over facebook, for all those strangers to see/hear. Having access to Facebook means great power and thus a great responsibility.

OK maybe I am just taking this huge social networking phenomenon way too seriously. Or maybe not. But hey, this is just me talking to myself.